This daily blog business is not always easy. Sometimes, you feel there’s nothing you have to say.
But that’s just a feeling.
The truth is, I’ve learned how to tap and evoke emotions that I was previously bottling up and pushing down. Once they’re exposed, they can be dismantled.
I haven’t flown into a rage (other than once, when I was alone), or broke down crying (I’ve only squeezed out a few tears here and there). For the most part, when you choose to work through your own emotions, you can control them. I’m tapping into a vast well of negativity that has hidden itself from me until now. Since I’m choosing to bring it up, I have my hand on the faucet. It’s not pouring through a broken pipe, like it would in a typical “outburst”.
I seek a transformation… which is not yet forthcoming.
I had a few pleasant experiences:
- Some fleeting moments of supreme bliss.
- A feeling of despair and confusion be replaced overnight by effortless clarity.
- The surrendering of desire to indulge in distractions that would normally tempt me.
Enough things to convince me that this is worth it.
Enough to convince me I’m on to something.
But a “transformation”…
…such a change will only come when I am ready to let go of that which feeds my petty, “small” self, and let go of the resistance to my greater, “higher” self – something we all have within.
You wouldn’t think that would be so hard, but it is… for me, at least.
On Tuesday, when I had my hand on the faucet, allowing all the feels to come to the surface, I had a very strong reaction to the idea of being my “greater self”. It was surprising to see. I have a blockage to it. It’s not rational, or logical, but it makes sense. It’s there because that’s how humans work, deep down. We block ourselves to things. We choose “smaller” behaviour, and “smaller” lives and then convince ourselves it’s only happening to us.
To let go of my resistance to my small self will mean letting go of all the payoffs I get from remaining where I am – some large, some subtle, some secret, others obvious.
Letting go of your negativity means letting go of all the things you like about it. And there is a surprising amount that you like about it, believe me.
But the benefits to doing so…… are truly exciting.
I’ve used the techniques I’ve learned to make a depression last only one day, instead of God knows how long.
I’ve proven to myself that feelings can be dealt with.
I keep getting deeper. It’s logical that I can deal with this large, deep inner resistance to success, too.
The challenge in refusing to give in to despair, doubt, skepticism, which are all doing their best to derail me.
Despair, hopelessness, and doubt are all just feelings, though.
And feelings can be dealt with.