So, this is what it feels like to have dismantled part of your inner saboteur…
Feels similar, only I can see more.
I notice my behaviour is getting better without any conscious effort on my part.
The change is not massive, it’s not a baptism-by-fire rebirth.
It’s subtle, but significant.
As I’ve already written, on Sunday I cruelly humiliated someone, and the guilt triggered a lot of repressed shame and self-loathing. It sent me to a place just a stone’s throw from a dangerous level of depression.
I let go of the emotion by allowing it to play out through my facial expressions – all the writhing coils of negativity, every flavour and shade – until it got tired.
Since then, I’ve used that same technique in little moments here and there. As a big macho man (haha) I have a hard time identifying emotion. Allowing it to reveal itself on my face is a neat little trick to identify what exactly I’m feeling at any given moment.
Once it’s identified, it’s a little easier to let it burn itself up.
For example: Yesterday I used my facial expression technique to find out I was feeling Anger, not anxiety. My denial was probably due to an upbringing thing – it’s “bad” for a Christian boy to be angry, so I push down the very idea.
Once it’s written on my face, however, the jig is up!
I then allowed my mind, much like my face, to express the anger in its thoughts (or, more like it’s internal posture, if that makes sense). That helped to bring up more anger, until my heart was beating hard and my jaw was clenched and my breathing harsh and ragged.
Then I sat back and let it wear itself out a little bit.
I’ve had no immediate highs, no “proper” religious experiences, like I had last year through similar techniques. But I have had a few little moments of bliss, here and there.
And more importantly, I’m seeing things a little clearer.
I can see wider.
I can feel aspects of my resistance to success that were hidden from me before.
I’ll still have to go through those aspects. I’ll have to feel and surrender them, too, which will not be pleasant.
But that’s the path.
It’s the opposite of denial, of bottling up.
When you bottle stuff up, it doesn’t go away.
We all know this already.
We just haven’t been given the tools to do anything about it.